Today’s a new day! As I continue to run this crazy beautiful health journey, I have seen many of my friendships change. More than ever, I have looked for my friends to stand by me and catch me before I fall and break, like Humpty Dumpty.
But like a “trust-fall” exercise gone wrong – right when you need their safety net the most – a lot of friends aren’t there. And sometimes the fall is hard.
The pain and disappointment of slowly losing friends can be overwhelming. It’s a blindsiding blow that you never see coming.
Since my health journey started way back in 2002, I have been hurt by the unpredictable disappearance of a number of friendships that I truly thought were solid.
As I have walked through this loss, I initially reacted the way most who are rejected and took it personally, adding insult to my health journey.
The following questions have flooded my mind at different times during my health journey:
Was it my fault somehow?
Was it something I did or said, or didn’t do or say?
How did I not see this coming?
Those questions never had any real answers and just kept me spinning in an unresolved circular loop. That began to shift when I learned that many people dealing with chronic and longtime health issues deal with the very same issues.
I began to realize that many times the friends who left were the very people I believed I could count on the most.
I began to realize the issue was not me, but was those friends. They either lacked compassion, a willingness to be uncomfortable or they just couldn’t handle watching a friend decline day by day and year by year.
I guess I just assumed some friends would always be there for me. I thought wrong.
Maybe they excused themselves by rationalizing that they were “too busy”?
I have had some friends share they don’t want to bother me. That I need my rest. You can only rest for so many hours in a day.
I have friends not think to invite me to some function because “I did not think you would be up for it.” You never know unless you ask.
Other friends have mentioned they just figured my house is always full of company. Not the case.
Or, maybe for some, it’s because they are still able to hold onto the illusion that they maintain a level of control – something I have clearly lost in many ways. No cold, hard reality has come along to shatter that for them yet.
Who really knows why some friends chose to leave.
I have wondered if it’s realistic to think we can really know or count on the staying power of our friends until we encounter and work through adversity together.
Things that we believe are shared between us – unique connection, loyalty, understanding, tolerance, mutuality, honesty, trust, humor, etc. – are much easier when they are not put to any serious test.
Since there are no friendship vows, I have had to get clear about my boundaries and the friendship qualities that matter the most.
During this health journey, I have had Christian friends question my faith and asked what sin am I living with? Our one of my favorites, everyone is going to die; you just know what your dying from. Another favorite is “Well you have lasted this long.”
Once I got past the sting of some friendships fading like a sunset, I started focusing on the friends who have stuck around. They are more important than those friends that have chosen to fade away.
Those friends who have decided to run the race with me are like a healing balm that constantly renews my weary spirit. Thank you.
These wonderful souls in my life, show me that there are still many compassionate people out there who truly understand how to be a true friend.
Friendships lost is an experience that I didn’t ask for and didn’t want, yet it woke me up to not settle for anything less than solid, real and caring friendships. ~OC
The Blessed Overcomer 