Today’s a new day! This is an open letter about dealing with chronic illness and friendships. I apologize for the lengthiness of this post.
Dear Friends, I want to start off by saying, I have a few friends who have stuck by me every step of this health journey. We might not see or talk to each other every day, but we communicate often. I am thankful for each of them. The reason for this open letter is to share how chronic illness can affect a life. A friendship.
I am not angry with the friends who have walked away. I understand you never intended to hurt me. There was no malicious intent. But what unfolded was a by-product of the thoughtless-ness that is pervasive in our society.
As I walk through my crazy beautiful health journey, I have tried my best to stay in touch with friends. Either through visiting, social media, phone calls or text. Some have responded and some have not. A few believe I abandoned them, but I always tell them to check their phones. I will not own abandoning a friend if they do not respond to my phone calls or texts.
After I became very ill, the friendships I had built disappeared in stages. There was the initial drop-off. Hearing from them less and less. Then there were the ones I just never heard from again. Some were just friends on the outer edge, but a few had been close enough to have become like family.
The fact that some disappeared immediately actually made their absence less noticeable because, when I first became ill, I believed without a shadow of a doubt, I would be better soon, and our friendship would return. Sadly, time went on, and our friendship never returned. I had no cause to miss them at the beginning, and, by the time it became clear my illness was not short-term, their absence had become the norm. Chronic illness and friendships were seemingly not compatible.
There have been times I reach out to friends and while they answer, they make no real effort to continue the conversation. I try to keep the conversation going but eventually stop reaching out. Time is precious and I do not have time to waste.
On the occasions when friends do reach out and want to visit, I get excited only to be disappointed when they disappear for months or years. It’s as if they did their duty and reached out to me. They can check it off their list. Those friends circle around again when the guilt hits.
I remember when I experienced a miracle in my 18th year of being ill. Friends and strangers came from everywhere. They all wanted to be around the “Miracle Man.” To hear and use my story. And when my health took a turn for the worse again, most of them disappeared. I was no longer the flavor of the month.
Now into the twenty-first year of my health battle, my circle of friends as become very small. I am thankful for each of them. These days, I am very careful who I allow into my circle. Too many people with their own agendas have caused great pain.
Long-term health issues and friendships can be a difficult balancing act. In the beginning of a health crisis, there are many friends who walk along side the patient. But as the illness lingers, more and more friends drop off. Maybe it’s too overwhelming for them. Maybe it brings back hard memories. I am not sure why friends leave. Please believe me I am not criticizing them. I am sharing this letter to acknowledge we as a society have to do more to support our chronically ill and disabled populations. Not just the patients, but the caregivers too. That’s a whole different letter.
None of the friends who have walked away are bad people. They’re just regular broken people like all of us. But as a person living with long-term health issues, I sometimes wonder if there is something deficient in me that led those friends to leave. Those feelings are just part of the journey.
If you have a friend that is currently dealing with a chronic illness, please take the time to reach out to them. Doing this on a regular basis has a healing effect. In our technology -filled world, this is easy to do. Texting, email, and social media make it easy to stay in touch with people. Set a reminder on your phone to connect with that friend.
I know it can be hard to see a friend or loved dealing with a long-term health issue. Believe me, I have trouble seeing myself this way. But try to acknowledge their differences and limitations while still seeing them through the lens of the friendship you cultivated over the years. A small act of kindness goes a long way. Inviting that sick friend to events, even if you know they’re unable to attend will make them feel as though they haven’t been forgotten.
For those dealing with long-term health issues, please know it’s not your fault nor those around you. It’s not a lack of faith. Chronic illness and friendships aren’t the most comfortable of bedfellows. Could your friends have done better? Maybe. Did they do it intentionally? Probably not. I only believe in blaming people when they act on purpose. When people make a mistake, we shouldn’t punish them. Instead, we should ask them to become more conscious, understanding, and thoughtful. To teach society to act better next time, as I believe we can.
Does this empathy towards the people who unintentionally let me down make me feel better? In some ways, yes, and in others, no. It has allowed me to find clarity about the reality I find myself in. It has stopped me from wasting energy on useless and illogical emotions. It has left an emotional wound. It has left me exhausted.
Throughout this crazy beautiful health journey, I am thankful for my relationship with God. My faith has sustained me during this difficult and long battle. I praise Jesus for never leaving nor forsaking me. For being a real friend. I take comfort in the friendships I have left. I am thankful for the new friendships I will hopefully make along this journey. I am truly living a blessed life. ~OC
